[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
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Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
The game has officially changed 😎
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
everyone’s a critic
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”