@leifromloihi

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

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@TheCatWhisprer

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

@BriarSly

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

@baronvonbike

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

@kelkulus

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

@KentWGraham

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

@Book_Krazy

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

@electroskippy

[installing program]
Operation Status: 1 min left
Me: Yes! Finally!

*30 minutes later*

Operation Status: 60 mins left
Me: Wait. What?

@kibblesmith

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

@findmydolls

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

@ShakespeareSong

I am enamoured with large posteriors and I am unable to utter false statements.