Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
this is your final warning
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He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Operation Status: 1 min left
Me: Yes! Finally!
*30 minutes later*
Operation Status: 60 mins left
Me: Wait. What?
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I am enamoured with large posteriors and I am unable to utter false statements.