I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
this is your final warning
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wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I found out today that if I just let go of the steering wheel, my car will drive itself. The catch is: my car is a terrible driver.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.