@leifromloihi

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

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@alli_win

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

@stevevsninjas

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

@mjmimages

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

@hasht4g

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

@DiamondLou69

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

@AngryRaccoon2

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

@fusedude

I found out today that if I just let go of the steering wheel, my car will drive itself. The catch is: my car is a terrible driver.

@Tmoney68

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

@NoogsCorner

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

@MoistPork

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.