I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
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Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band