@MafiaJoker78

*Opens fortune cookie*

~You just ate cat, you thought was beef.

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@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

@michaelianblack

“The ankle so important to a basketball player.” Something the announcer just said.

@ClichedOut

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

@Swain_Train47

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”

@djdarrellripley

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

@TheTweetOfGod

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

@LurkAtHomeMom

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

@KatieBurnett

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali