*Opens fortune cookie*

~You just ate cat, you thought was beef.

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3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*



“The ankle so important to a basketball player.” Something the announcer just said.


Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?


My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”


The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.


People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.


The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.


Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali