*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
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[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
(True)
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
😂🤣😂🤣
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.