@superdadatron

*Opens fridge

*Sees chocolate bar with a note “please don’t eat me”.

*Eats chocolate bar

Now who would want to eat a piece of paper?

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@dimplesticks

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

@TotallyAllen

My parents: If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump off too?

Me as a little kid wearing sunlasses: idk maybe who all is there

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

@JustinGuarini

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

@IndecisiveJones

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

@sincir3000

why do people with two hands order drinks one at a time?

@jimmytorosian

*phone rings*

Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”

Wife: “….”

@mrtruthandsoul

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?