
My son just asked me how long he’s had a birthmark for and now I’m afraid to send him out into the world
*Opens fridge
*Sees chocolate bar with a note “please don’t eat me”.
*Eats chocolate bar
Now who would want to eat a piece of paper?
My son just asked me how long he’s had a birthmark for and now I’m afraid to send him out into the world
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Date: Do u have any allergies?
Me: I’m allergic to raisins. They make me cry
D: That’s an unusual reaction
M: They could’ve been wine!!
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.