kitchen magnet
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if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.