My son just asked me how long he’s had a birthmark for and now I’m afraid to send him out into the world
*Sees chocolate bar with a note “please don’t eat me”.
*Eats chocolate bar
Now who would want to eat a piece of paper?
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“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Date: Do u have any allergies?
Me: I’m allergic to raisins. They make me cry
D: That’s an unusual reaction
M: They could’ve been wine!!
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.