@superdadatron

*Opens fridge

*Sees chocolate bar with a note “please don’t eat me”.

*Eats chocolate bar

Now who would want to eat a piece of paper?

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@reallifemommy3

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

@rebrafsim

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

@daddydoubts

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

@robfee

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

@GrillinChillin9

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

@UnFitz

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

@SamNonTheWiser

The only thing louder than a child denied cake is a child that was given the smaller piece