@superdadatron

*Opens fridge

*Sees chocolate bar with a note “please don’t eat me”.

*Eats chocolate bar

Now who would want to eat a piece of paper?

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@DaddyJew

My son just asked me how long he’s had a birthmark for and now I’m afraid to send him out into the world

@PoonWhisperer1

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

@Playing_Dad

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

@SaraMansford

Date: Do u have any allergies?

Me: I’m allergic to raisins. They make me cry

D: That’s an unusual reaction

M: They could’ve been wine!!

@junejuly12

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

@ObscureGent

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

@iwearaonesie

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

@GrantTanaka

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.