I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
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me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*