@mattZillaaaa

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

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@AudreyPorne

if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.

@Reverend_Scott

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

@omgthatspunny

Do you know why the Little Mermaid wears seashells? Because A and B shells were too small

@volks__

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

@sofarrsogud

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

@Marlebean

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

@prontopup

“‘Earth’ without ‘the’ is just ‘ar’.” – Pirates

If you haven’t seen “Earth without art is just eh” then you prolly didn’t like this tweet.