*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
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you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
i wish i could marry a nap
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”