*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

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if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.


Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”


Do you know why the Little Mermaid wears seashells? Because A and B shells were too small


Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.


My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.


If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?


“‘Earth’ without ‘the’ is just ‘ar’.” – Pirates

If you haven’t seen “Earth without art is just eh” then you prolly didn’t like this tweet.