@envydatropic

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

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@crabbyneedsanap

8: Hey mama [something I can’t understand]
ME: I can’t hear you. I’m in the shower.
8: [more, I can’t understand]
ME: I’m in the shower!
ELLE WOODS: So you were in the shower?
CHUTNEY: I was in the shower.
JUDGE: We have established that she was in the shower.

@thedad

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

@80sjams

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

@joeheenan

They should tie loads of balloons to the stuck tanker like in UP

@9GAG

“Did you just fall?” “No. I attacked the floor.” “Backwards?” “I’m freaking talented!”

@LDLevesque

Much like #Skynet, the dirty dishes in my sink have achieved self awareness.

@JustBeingEmma

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

@dadmann_walking

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.