*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
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I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Livid.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
when you don’t want to be too vague
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline