They say if you ever get attacked by a shark you should punch it in the nose which is easy cause imagine how composed you would be.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
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reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
[mustard company office]
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
[Looking at something funny on my phone]
Husband: Let me see?
Me: Of course. One second.
[Resets phone to factory settings]
Me: Here you go.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
*is too polite to say anything*
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.