[opens GPS voice command]

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They say if you ever get attacked by a shark you should punch it in the nose which is easy cause imagine how composed you would be.


reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback


You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.


I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.


bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road


[Looking at something funny on my phone]

Husband: Let me see?
Me: Of course. One second.

[Resets phone to factory settings]

Me: Here you go.


me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift


*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*


I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.