[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
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doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here