@Reverend_Scott

[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET

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@SonOfCha

They say if you ever get attacked by a shark you should punch it in the nose which is easy cause imagine how composed you would be.

@robwhisman

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

@TheCiscoKidder

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

@TheNYAMProject

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

@8bitbulbasaur

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

@not_delicate

[Looking at something funny on my phone]

Husband: Let me see?
Me: Of course. One second.

[Resets phone to factory settings]

Me: Here you go.

@MelvinofYork

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

@awkwardwit

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

@WolfGangOfFour

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.