Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
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“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Not all heroes wear capes…
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Awwwww shit.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*