@EndhooS

[Opens hand sanitiser]
?????? ???? ????
?? ??????? ???? ????
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

You Might Also Like

@WheelTod

*hijacks plane
*kills pilot
Me *turning to friend: “OK. Now fly this thing!”

Friend: “I can’t fly a plane”

Me: “But you told me you were a master of the skies!”

Friend: “No. Master of *disguise*”

Me: “Then why the heck are you dressed as a pilot!… Ah OK I get it now.”

@rohtalks

As Newton once said, “For every male action, there is a female over-reaction”.

@murrman5

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

@c12h22o11balls

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

@Darlainky

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

@slimmy_shady

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

@lloydrang

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.