Me *turning to friend: “OK. Now fly this thing!”
Friend: “I can’t fly a plane”
Me: “But you told me you were a master of the skies!”
Friend: “No. Master of *disguise*”
Me: “Then why the heck are you dressed as a pilot!… Ah OK I get it now.”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
?????? ???? ????
?? ??????? ???? ????
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
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As Newton once said, “For every male action, there is a female over-reaction”.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Still my favorite headline of all time: