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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.


I just got kicked out of my local Laser Tag and the police were called. Apparently stabbing somebody to save ammo is not allowed.


Nice try, Team USA. Not bad for a country that only cares about soccer for two weeks every other year!


Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Cop: Faster.
Cop: Um, no, 72.
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.


“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”


The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand


Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me


Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I’m some sort of amateur?

*googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*


Ya man, it is weird that your wife started wearing the same cologne I wear.