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@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

@VeryRudeTweets

I just got kicked out of my local Laser Tag and the police were called. Apparently stabbing somebody to save ammo is not allowed.

@TheMichaelRock

Nice try, Team USA. Not bad for a country that only cares about soccer for two weeks every other year!

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

@Dadpression

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

@miniwheats2012

The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand

@audipenny

Me: look at this stupid thing lol

Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me

@Karissajem

Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I’m some sort of amateur?

*googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*

@ilovepie84

Ya man, it is weird that your wife started wearing the same cologne I wear.