Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
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*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I would like even faster food.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”