@buseysteeth

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

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@Dutch_50

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

@comer310

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

@Cpin42

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

@MelvinofYork

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

@Douchekevin

How could you be pregnant!?!?!?!?!

I bought he GOOD dollar store condoms!!!

@kylekinane

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

@archerenemy

OK, so you caught me bangin’ the peanut butter jar…

Don’t make it weird…

@HitsBelowBelt

You know that feeling you get when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat?

Ya, that’s arrhythmia. You can die from that.

@TheHyyyype

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ