[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
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How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…