[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

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When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.


Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.


The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming


I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.


How could you be pregnant!?!?!?!?!

I bought he GOOD dollar store condoms!!!


I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.


OK, so you caught me bangin’ the peanut butter jar…

Don’t make it weird…


You know that feeling you get when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat?

Ya, that’s arrhythmia. You can die from that.


anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ