[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
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I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.