*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
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‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?