@ClichedOut

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

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@Brampersandon_

COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha

ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

@WigCannon

before x-rays doctors had to climb inside people and draw a picture of their bones. some still do

@Social_Mime

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

@2tickytacky

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

@jollyrobber

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

@AaronFullerton

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

@Sickayduh

[First date]
Her: I’m really glad you asked me out yesterday in the park
Me: *looking under table* you didn’t bring your dog?

@rockymomax

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

@neiltyson

There’s just no way around this one: YOU MATTER, unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared, then YOU ENERGY.