Finally
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Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
mumsnet is amazing
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*