When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
*opens new donut shop called “The Gym”*
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Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnaping?
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I can’t stand this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you’re coming to my room.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*
Now love me.
*my left eyebrow falls off*