This is why there aren’t any gays in horror films
*opens new donut shop called “The Gym”*
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[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Real women don’t chase men.
We set traps.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
“Tell me where the money is or else I kill the girl”
-just to be clear, if I don’t tell you she dies but I get to live right?
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else