@kcmoore51

*opens new donut shop called “The Gym”*

You’re welcome.

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@mikeysny

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

@beefman138

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

@ReeseButCallMeV

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

@SortaBad

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

@MavenofHonor

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

@abbymedlock

I can’t stand this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you’re coming to my room.

@jctwritesstuff

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*