Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
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Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.