@kcmoore51

*opens new donut shop called “The Gym”*

You’re welcome.

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@GABBYdaAngSaya

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

@CYComedy

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

@daddydoubts

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

@SteveSuckington

“Tell me where the money is or else I kill the girl”

-just to be clear, if I don’t tell you she dies but I get to live right?

@gwatts77

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

@JoParkerBear

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else