*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
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Breaking news:
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
This is the one
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.