*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
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[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my r茅sum茅 and rips it a little bit]
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn鈥檛 do that
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn鈥檛 exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Fun fact: The confetti you鈥檒l see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can鈥檛 attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Doctor: I鈥檓 afraid you鈥檝e got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don鈥檛 know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I鈥檓 impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They鈥檙e all grounded.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Sweet Revenge 馃槀馃槀馃槀
#archaeohistories
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: 鈥OXES!
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!