Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
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Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.