Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
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YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.