The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
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My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Happy Star Wars day!
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living