@FunkyFresh_79

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

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@veggiefemme

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

@UncleDuke1969

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

@MavenofHonor

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

@LoveNLunchmeat

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

@MandiAtRandom

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

@JilliBearr

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

@theshantilly

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

@gfishandnuggets

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

@ItsLaTourette

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

@TheTimmyToes

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*