@FunkyFresh_79

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

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@WilliamAder

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

@heyitsJudeD

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

@English_Channel

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

@Quadricycle

[At restaurant]
I’m so hungry I could eat a horse! But I’m on a diet so…
[To waiter]
Do you have diet horse?

@JohnLyonTweets

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

@flashember

When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.

@Jandalize

Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.

@not_delicate

My 10 year old son just told me I look nice today so I’m trying to figure out what he broke and where he hid it.