heard the government is putting chips in ppl… hope i get takis
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
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Wanna piss a rhinoceros off? Hang his car keys on his nose.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”
Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Go ahead, mate with someone who wears glasses, add to the degradation of our eyesight as a species. Not like there are bears we need to spot
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option