@FunkyFresh_79

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

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@bauhausbaby

heard the government is putting chips in ppl… hope i get takis

@MarfSalvador

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

@Jake_Vig

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

@TheAlexNevil

I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!

@thenatewolf

Go ahead, mate with someone who wears glasses, add to the degradation of our eyesight as a species. Not like there are bears we need to spot

@SirJeremyLondon

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

@Jandalize

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.

@JokesByNick

Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option