Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
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[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
This probably isn’t good
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard