My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
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ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
[JanSport keynote address]
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*