Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
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The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
nyc:
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.