What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
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Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
? Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ?
and I just pooooed ?
“open up, this is the police!”
“well, I’ve felt alone since my girlfriend left me, I’m sad all the time-”
“no the door open up the door”
Cop: license and registration
Me: nice try, I don’t have either of those
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Your body is a temple. Congrats on the expanding congregation!
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.