@TitansHomer

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

You Might Also Like

@chapel3929

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

@Grommit56

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

@CornOnTheGoblin

? Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ?
and I just pooooed ?

@JohnLemongrab

“open up, this is the police!”
“well, I’ve felt alone since my girlfriend left me, I’m sad all the time-”
“no the door open up the door”

@DaddyJew

Cop: license and registration

Me: nice try, I don’t have either of those

@thepunningman

[doctors]

“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”

@pilau

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door