Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

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What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?


Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.


? Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ?
and I just pooooed ?


“open up, this is the police!”
“well, I’ve felt alone since my girlfriend left me, I’m sad all the time-”
“no the door open up the door”


Cop: license and registration

Me: nice try, I don’t have either of those



“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”


Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door