Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
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“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.