“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
You Might Also Like
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there鈥檚 47.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I鈥檓 unstoppable now.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Ffs laughed out loud 馃槀
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife鈥檚 head explode.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
asked my bf how work was today
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I鈥檓 allowed to correct someone鈥檚 grammar.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW