OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
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KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.