Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
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*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.