[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
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Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
i wish all
whales
a very
big
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Spell check is for lasers.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.