@SondraDeeMe

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

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@Mehrwane

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

@stevevsninjas

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

@BGH70

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

@Leemanish

FOR CHRISSAKES, GARY – WE JUST ROBBED A DAMN BANK! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH YOUR NIECE HOW TO DRIVE!

@nayele18maybe

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

@Sarcasticsapien

Coworker: If you had to do it all over again, would you?

Me: Yeah.

Cw: You would? Why?

Me: Because I know what the words “had to” means.

@RadioPatrick

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

@Shenaniglenns

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol