Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
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Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
FOR CHRISSAKES, GARY – WE JUST ROBBED A DAMN BANK! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH YOUR NIECE HOW TO DRIVE!
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
When I was a kid. I used to come home drunk & beat my Dad.
Coworker: If you had to do it all over again, would you?
Cw: You would? Why?
Me: Because I know what the words “had to” means.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol