[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

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It’s “hairs” not the collective “hair” now. I have so few I know each individually by name.


Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?


[6 PM]


[7 PM]


[8 PM]


[9 PM]

Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.


*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?


Note on the bed side table read “this isn’t working,” but I put a quarter in and the bed still vibrates. I don’t know what her problem was.


There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.


[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand


Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.