“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
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Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Hey I worked for it too!
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.