Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
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On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Did my cat write this
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right