OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
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*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.