OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
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The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Nothing to do, you say?
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]