[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
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Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?