Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

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contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming



MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]


If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.


[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog


The most awkward part of being the first person to write something down, was then explaining to everyone that they were now illiterate


The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.


GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*


What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?


The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.


HOLD YOUR HORSES. Love your horses. Remind your horses everyday how much you love them. Feed your horses.