@fro_vo

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

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@humanaaron

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

@ojedge

[train]

MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]

@CuddleYourCat

If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.

@MarfSalvador

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

@lyric_intent

The most awkward part of being the first person to write something down, was then explaining to everyone that they were now illiterate

@jnrbtsn

The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.

@Staggfilms

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

@primawesome

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

@RickAaron

The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.

@andreeahluscu

HOLD YOUR HORSES. Love your horses. Remind your horses everyday how much you love them. Feed your horses.