If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
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Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
She was unique.
Like a unique person.