-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
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My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit