Before paying a psychic, test them with a surprise punch
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
You Might Also Like
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
My diet could best be described as, “unchaperoned child at a birthday party.”
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Judge: order in the court, ORDER IN THE COURT
Me on the witness stand:*lips pressed against the mic* 2 hot dogs and a milkshake, your honor
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.