@Havish_AF

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

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@withanewname

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

@jenstatsky

My diet could best be described as, “unchaperoned child at a birthday party.”

@TheBoydP

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

@murrman5

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

@LOLrakshak

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

@DaddyJew

Judge: order in the court, ORDER IN THE COURT

Me on the witness stand:*lips pressed against the mic* 2 hot dogs and a milkshake, your honor