Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.

Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?

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Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?



Dear girls, Santa saw your Facebook page, you’re getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.


Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil


Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.


Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*


*in public restroom*

Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.

Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*


Sick of all these Santa apologists. A HOME INVASION IS A HOME INVASION.


*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*


One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is


Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.