Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
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Dear girls, Santa saw your Facebook page, you’re getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no
So you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Sick of all these Santa apologists. A HOME INVASION IS A HOME INVASION.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.