optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
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Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
first you must answer his riddles
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴