Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
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One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.