@imgur

Optional boss fight.

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@minkpinkustink

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

@PlopWaffle

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

@jwoodham

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

@daemonic3

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

@KalvinMacleod

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

@sofarrsogud

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

@SIGHFIDELITY

*a murder mystery party but backwards- where we, as a group, must decide who among us to murder and how*

@OneFunnyMummy

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

@highwaytohelv

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.