Optional boss fight.

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the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew


Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.


Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.


[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.


When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.


MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport


*a murder mystery party but backwards- where we, as a group, must decide who among us to murder and how*


Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.


I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.