OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
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If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”