Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:

you’re tall for a woman

[she gets real mad right here]

*place hand on hers*

but the perfect height for an angel

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

[china shop]

Bull: *walks in*

Shopkeeper: oh no

Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager

Shopkeeper: OH NO

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

“But you just went pee”

– A Family Vacation Memoir

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

[At Pharmacy]

Pharmacist: This medi…

Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.

First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay