Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
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ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Breaking news:
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.