crazy how after i got my braces off i never heard from my orthodontist again…like no calls no nothin…no guidance…am i still on the right track Dr. Payne please answer it’s been ten years I need you
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
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Kids want a dog, told em I can only keep 4 things alive, them & the plant. If we add a dog something will die & I cant be sure its the plant
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”