orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
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INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
oh shit
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
called in thicc to work this morning
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.