No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
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Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
three things we don’t talk about
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats