@comer310

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

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@BerrymoreBlue

Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”

The Lord: “You still have that?”

@Mardigroan

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

@5hael

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

@Book_Krazy

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

@aka_fatman

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

@Darlainky

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

@fro_vo

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

@DancesWithTamis

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

@AllanForsyth

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

@timdonakowski

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.