Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
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Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Me: He seems nice…
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Me: random axe of kindness
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.