Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
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I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
How do dragons blow out candles?
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog