Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
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FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Pass gas, not judgment.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Breaking news:
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.