[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
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one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
man: wait
time: no
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?